Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
We need to put an American base on the sun
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.