Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.