Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
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Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Time for evil
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.