Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
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When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
They got Raph!
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again