Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
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People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.