SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
who will stop them
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop