SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
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So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Dead
Alive
Other✔
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.