Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
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My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter