SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
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Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.