son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
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That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat