SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.