son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
You Might Also Like
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me