Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

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-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?


Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!


If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.


5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question


If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”


HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.


Best part about marriage?


Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.


I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace


ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone