@Jeffwni

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

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@Havish_AF

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

@MissHavisham

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

@aotakeo

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

@SteveSuckington

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

@MisterD78UK

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

@AmishSuperModel

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

@KevinFarzad

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

@KalvinMacleod

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone