Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
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Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
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If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive