son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
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Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Travel bloggers during quarantine
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon