SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
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Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.