Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
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Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
God: you鈥檙e a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I鈥檓 a snek?
God: no you鈥檙e a snake.
Garter Snake: I鈥檓 a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you鈥檙e a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I鈥檓 a smol snek?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don鈥檛 think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it鈥檚 dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what鈥檚 one rune reading among friends?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Not to brag but I don鈥檛 need alcohol to do something stupid.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Not to say my family is messy but I鈥檝e had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.馃寧鉂わ笍馃Ъ馃寧
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
On more than one occasion I鈥檝e canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*