son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
At least try to make it slightly believable
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.