Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
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Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we