SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
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Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
me linking you to my twitter
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
giddy up Office Depot
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”