Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
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8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.