Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
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Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Breaking news:
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*