Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
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A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
smartest karate player in the world
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Looking at you, Jesus.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.