@WheelTod Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
@shadygrenade “Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
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@WheelTod 
@jonnysun i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
@jturnerdds I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
@BlindChow “I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
@hipchkk I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
@ReagansTweets coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
@karanbirtinna My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
@JohnBadpuns Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
@OtherDanOBrien [Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
@jakelikesnaps “Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H