“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
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[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for