[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
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Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Hank is one in a melon.