[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
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As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!