Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
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Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”