son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
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Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*