“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
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It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
mumsnet is amazing
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The news in a nutshell.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.