@donnie_fairburn

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

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@XplodingUnicorn

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

@OBiiieeee

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

@bornmiserable

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

@TheSkyIScrape_

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

@seamussaid

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

@WheelTod

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

@shutupmikeginn

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car