[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
“Son, hey son”
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car