son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Just a bush.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.