son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

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Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”


At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.


CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time


If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.


“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.


As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”


I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.


With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.