Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
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New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Fights fire with marshmallows
the clam before the storm
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!