Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
all bases covered
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Guantanamo Bae
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
People buying plungers never look happy.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”