Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
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Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”