Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
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Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Why I divorced her.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.