son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
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me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.