Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
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*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
one last job
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.