Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.