Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
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Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
lumberjacks will cut a birch
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.