Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
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Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid