Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I’d love this…lol
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
When you kidnap a writer.