SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
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Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …