Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
You Might Also Like
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Dune (2021)
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.