Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
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amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Jesus steals the winter solstice
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
He’s dead
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER