Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
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“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
was Jim off killing horses or…
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
they should invent a rest for the wicked
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11