SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.