Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
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For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore