Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him