son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.