SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
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Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I love twitter
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I know karate and tons of other words.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
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Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex