Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
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AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I am crying
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret